I love living in the city even though I grew up in the burbs. Last month was year ten on my own and living it up in the city I call home...Halifax. A part of me wishes it was year three because I would be 24 and having one of the best summers of my life (I wish I could elaborate about that steamy summer, but dad may be reading).
Some things have changed - I'm older, wiser, drink more (ya liver damage), had a freak of a kid (no really she's crazy), was married and separated. Some things have stayed the same though - I have the same 2 cats (bastards), a good head on my shoulders, still employed and a filter that doesn't always work. But the one thing that will never, ever change will be my list of awful sounds which are as follows:
People smacking their food (adults doing it is the ultimate gross out)
One of my cats licking themselves when it's quiet and while they're next to me (bastards)
Kristen Stewart's voice (any emotion? No? Well alright then)
Yappy chiuauas (I love animals, but Jesus Christ)
Dumb ass punk kids/adults talking about well...anything (see a couple posts ago - I HATE THE SOUND OF THEIR VOICES)
Loud cell phone talkers (nobody cares about your bowel movement from last Tuesday)
The sound of a teenage girl squealing "OMG!" (**shudders**)
Stupid cell phone rings
Whinny kids who can't get their way
...and lastly
10. A beer spilling (oh the horror)
I feel like I'm about to have a stroke every time I look at this
So I came across this in my daughter's room a while ago and took a picture. I was slightly concerned by the S&M type feel of this since she is 4 years old (almost 5) and quite frankly the safety aspect of it.
That's one sick way to quiet a Tickle Me Elmo, but 'cmon I think we've all had those thoughts.
Me: Where did the bag come from? Pipster: Well I took it out of the drawer because I needed to clean up my puzzle pieces. (ok fair enough, I'm not going to get mad about my kid wanting to clean her room).
Me: Why does Elmo have the bag on his head with a tape measure around his neck? Pipster: It was raining on our walk and I didn't want his head to get wet. (Uh huh).
Me: Well, you still didn't tell me why there is a tape measure around his neck? Pipster: Umm mom can't you feel the wind? I didn't want the bag to blow away. (Right...how stupid of me).
I did end up telling her about the dangers of bags on a person's head and she informed me that she would never do something like that to a real person because that's how people die. WHAT? Who told you this? It's true but Jesus.
I guess the moral to my story is to inform your kids, or in my case get schooled by them.
I’ve got a beef. Well I have a number of beefs but we’ll try to keep to the immediate local things I see.
Smoking Over Your Child One of the beefs at the top of my list is people who push a stroller or hold their baby and smoke at the same time. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I mean really, how do you not know any better than this? I don’t care if you’re 16 and a baby having a baby you know it’s bad to have second-hand smoke around anyone.
WHAT I WISH I COULD DO: Walk up, take your child and bitch slip you so hard the tar from all the smoking you did (probably while pregnant) comes rushing out your nose. And maybe throw a drop kick into the mix for good measure. This topic makes me so mad I’m tempted to drop the “C-word” but I keep reminding myself that I’m a lady…somewhat of a lady.
Loud Punks in Public
I was a teenager before and I certainly remember having friends or knew people like this. The people that talk really loud on the bus about all the coolers they drank last night and how smashed they got, or all the fights they got into. SHUT UP! I don’t care and no one else does either. Apparently there is no shame in being a dumb ass. (I should note that this also applies to loser adult punks as well – grow up and shut your trap).
WHAT I WISH I COULD DO: Grab them by their ear and drag them home to their momma. Although most of the punks I encounter probably have learned this from their parents so I’ll go back to the old faithful – a drop kick to the throat.
Parents Who Yell at Their Kids for No Reason (in public especially)
Stop being a douche parent. I’m a parent and yes it’s tough and I can lose my cool sometimes, but really? They are children - and children learn from you. I like a child that knows how to behave like a normal human being but kids are kids and they like to have fun. If I don’t see a problem in their behaviour (and I can spot a rotten apple a mile away) then I don’t understand why you’re being a trash parent and screaming at them in public.
WHAT I WISH I COULD DO: Follow them around and spray them with a water bottle every time they opened their yapper. If you want to bark like a dog, I would like to treat you like a dog (minus the adorable outfits I would totally dress my dog up in).
So these are a few of my beefs. I have a ridiculous amount of beefs and pet peeves but I thought I’d share a few of my top ones. Secondly, because I saw all three of these happen today before noon which in the words of Peter Griffin “really grinds my gears”.
I've awoke from my long hibernation. For how long? Who knows, but enough time has passed that I thought I should check in. Frankly, I'm not surprised at myself. I have the hardest time focusing on things I actually enjoy. You see, I have what I like to refer to as short lived ambition. The ambition is there, just not for extended periods of time. This will be my downfall...but until then, I'm back as long as I don't see any shiny objects.
So what has happened in my glamorous life since we last spoke? A little bit of this and a bit of that. I haven't contracted any unspeakable diseases, so that's a bonus.
Before U2 came on stage
I wrote this post on the train to Moncton, NB about a week ago and let me tell you, riding VIA Rail in coach is where its at - and I say that with a ridiculous amount of sarcasm. I was travelling to go see a U2 concert and Grammy winners Arcade Fire along with 80,000 other people. I thought that being too poor to have grandstand tickets was going to suck because I would have to stand in mud after all the rain that fell, but it actually worked out quite well. My brother and I had prime standing space at Magnetic Hill and could see the stage so well Bono could have sweat on me. The part I hated was the ride up to Moncton because my bro and I were sitting behind some smelly hippies. Literally, they stunk to high heavens. Along with the smelly-o's there was a grouchy Acadian lady to my right. She needed to relax and take a laxative or something.
Graduation time!
My little Pipster graduated from Preschool which is exciting. What a milestone of not forking over anymore cash for her. I intend to remind her when she is older of how expensive the last 2.5 years have been for me until the day she moves out.
What else? I've lost 15lbs since December. Couldn't tell you how, but I'll take it. Frankly, I probably have a parasite which is gross to think about, but beauty is pain my friends.
Lastly, and the biggest news is that Hubby and I have decided to part ways. Yes, I am a single lady...and it doesn't feel any different than being married, except that I have more room in bed and more closet space. This happened in June but rest assured Internet people, we are still the best of friends and co-parenting the Pipster. She's still number one and thankfully we are both smart enough to know this. There will be no Dina/Michael Lohan antics happening in our life.
I wonder if I'm a candidate for Lowered Expectations. I'd want my dating video to sound like this.
I'm pretty sure that would bring all the boys to the yard.
Well, that is really the highlights from the last 7 months. I think I mentioned "my glamorous life" earlier. If standing in mud, getting separated and the possibility of having a parasite is glamorous, break out the sequints baby.
