These pictures "motivate me" (not to be captioned in awful pictures of myself)

I'm pretty blessed to have a job I like, a boss I like and co-workers I adore. I have IM for those times that you need to say something that probably shouldn't be said aloud and even if I do, the people that surround me do me the honor of looking the other way instead of running to our friendly neighbourhood HR department.

I also have killer friends on another floor who send me terrific emails with hilarious captioned pictures. I've honestly never been one to surf the web unless it was for something somewhat specific but I'm a changed woman now. Those jerks have won me over.

Here is a taste of some demotivational posters that my awesome friends send me to fill my day.

I'm pretty sure I saw these two cutting themselves in the alley I frequent.

Don't ya just want to take one home and hide it under your pillow?

Om nom nom.

It could have been a regurgitated cookie and probably would have looked just as tasty.

I have that dress.

...even Jesus wouldn't use you. Not even if you begged him sister.

That you are sir, that you are. If I were a green alien I'd be putty in your hand.

Happy Pride Halifax, my daughter loves your queens

This year I decided to take the Pipster to Halifax Pride Parade. She's almost 4 and I thought she would enjoy the colours, the sparkle and mom could watch hot gyrating men.

So I asked her if she wanted to go. She asked me what a Pride Parade was, so I explained it was a parade that celebrated gay and lesbian rights and togetherness. She seemed satisfied with this answer until she said, "what's a lesbian?" So again I tried to explain to her as simply as I could so that she might get the gist of it. She seemed to get it I think a bit better than most her age would. Seeing how hubby and I do our double dating with a terrific gay couple, and occasionally have them babysit, using Gregg and Eric as my example (insert women) was pretty easy until I mentioned that one of the things she would see at the parade would be drag queens.

Pipster: "What's a drag queen?"
Me: "Ahh...a tall sparkly princess with big feet."
Pipster: "Oh."

That was easy. I hope explaining sex will be just as simple.

So off the two of us went to spectate the awesomeness that is Halifax Pride and were not disappointed. There was amazing support from lots of Halifax groups, fun floats, water guns, drag queens, KINK enthusiasts and of course gyrating men for me. What I thought was interesting is that the Pipster was afraid of being squirted by a water gun but when the Halifax KINK members strolled by in latex, leather, mesh and ball gags this seemed to be as normal as watching a pigeon cross the street. Why can't everyone see the world through the eyes of a child?

 

We then ventured to the Garrison Grounds for music, drag shows, ice cream floats, bouncy castles for the kids and fun in the sun with our friends. I have to say that in all the times I've taken the Pipster out on an excursion this was the best time of all. 

  

HALIFAX    PRIDE:

 You know how to throw a party!

 ...AND OF COURSE:

        the Pipster got to see her
                          Queen! 

                        

Hot time in the city = people who have no mirrors

I'm fairly certain 99.9% of people have mirrors in their homes. Actually I can honestly say that I've never been in a house where I thought to myself "you know what this place is missing".

Here is a list of things that I have noticed so far this summer, and summers past, that are No No's when out in public.

Ladies:

• halter tops that show back fat are not attractive, nor is not wearing a bra with one.
• Wearing bikini tops walking down Barrington Street is weird.
• If you are going to wear a tank top and wave your arms around like you just don't care, please shave your armpits.
• short shorts that can be mistaken as underwear are just that...underwear and therefore should not be worn in public.

Men:

• good body or not, it is not that hot out that you need to take your shirts off and walk down the street unless you are doing something that requires effort like just finished playing sports and are walking home. Usually these offenders are the guys that hang out in front of Park Lane Mall on Spring Garden Road who cat call at women and have no business removing their shirts even for a shower (whenever that may be).
• boys your feet are not too ugly for sandals...unless you don't cut your toenails.
• Unless you play rugby or are Richard Simmons, short shorts are not for you.

Both:

• if you are going to wear a sleeveless shirt, make sure your deodorant is well blended. Deodorant balls are somewhat offensive.
• Any sort of mesh shirt (men & women) is not acceptable in this decade.
• DEODORANT...Please wear it. Being stuck on a bus on a hot day with a stinky pit smell lingering makes me want to vomit. I don't want to open my mouth for fear I might swallow the smell. 

(side note: don't be offended when my kid asks me loudly "what stinks?" because she's just tellin' it how she sees smells it.)

Your kid needs a leash, and you need a swift kick in the arse

As my profile says I am a wife and a mom. The mom part out weighs the wife part. Hubby gets it, it's fine he's an adult and doesn't need guidance. My daughter is three and a half and a psycho. Not like the kid from Pet Cemetery, but nuts. She's a quirky little child who says things like "hey mom I made a poop pie" as she sits on the toilet. I asked her where she heard this from and she says Brian. Brian is hubby's friend from Toronto who visited last summer. I highly doubt he has been emailing her with things to say that make me crazy. She does go to daycare so I will assume for now that she hearing these odd phrases from there. For the most part she's pretty awesome, although sometimes I find myself looking for the receipt that she came with. I'd even consider store credit at times.

I should be allowed to shake the shit out of parents who shouldn't have been allowed to breed in the first place.

In our family hubby is the soft one like most dad's who have adorable daughters. She is daddy's princess and she knows it. However, this little princess knows right from wrong for the most part. Three years old or not we make sure that we are doing our best to raise a responsible member of whatever community she lives in. I'm sure that most parents don't wake up and say "Ya know I really hope my kid grows up to be a huge stain on society", but sometimes I wonder what exactly they are saying to make themselves blind to their kids actions. I must be getting that old person mentality (without the weak bladder) because I've never in my life have said "kids these days" so much.

I look around and all I see is a range of brats from 3-21years of age all acting the same. Some of the kids at the Pipster's daycare are horrid and the ones running around at the mall and in public are beyond me. The Pipster even says to me "why are they being so bad?" If a 3 year old sees this, we have a problem folks. The parents either have given up or don't give two shits. Well let me tell you...I care because those kids will be going to school with my kid and they better start simmering down before they rub off on her. Don't these parents realize their kids are not behaving like the rest of our children? Do you not see a problem with this? Actually you do, because I hear you scream at them in public places so we all take a gander at your awesome parenting skills. If the Pipster acts up and I say we're leaving, we leave and she goes to bed. END OF STORY. Why? Because hubby and I pay the rent and are smarter than you kiddo.

The Pipster is smart and hubby and I are good parents and I have no problem tooting my own horn about that. Now I've known kids who have great parents, but the kids are just dicks. That's when you get a military school pamphlet and put in on your fridge until they're 18. I'd take a loan out of the bank to send her there if she wants to play those games. I'm confident that she'll do amazing things in this world, big or small, but my heart aches for those kids who run wild like Ferrel cats with no guidance.

...and vise versa.

The Degrassi Jr. High will save my daughter’s life (she just doesn’t know it yet)

I figured since I was on a Canadian TV roll I might as well keep it going for one more post.

I grew up, like many people my age, watching The Degrassi Jr. High & Degrassi High. This show was my compass down the path of childhood through the teenage years, and I can honestly say into adulthood. I had a number of friends whose parents wouldn’t let them watch this show and I still wonder why. These were the same parents who thought the Simpson's was a show produced by Satan. I however, had parents that pretty much let us watch whatever I and my brother wanted which was not a lot, considering the whole non-cable thing. But Degrassi was always something circled in the Metro Telecaster. They touched on everything from teenage pregnancy, AIDS, crazy psycho boyfriends who either beat you or were obsessed with you, inter-racial dating and of course drug use.

The characters in the show were top notch too. The famous Joey Jeremiah and his sidekicks Wheels and Snake who had a band called The Zit Remedy. Joey was girl crazy and planned on being a star, Snake had super strict parents (you know, the ones who would never have let him watch the Simpson's...ya those ones). Wheels lost both of his parents in a car accident, had to live with his grandparents and almost got felt up by a stranger when he went on a hitchhiking road trip to find his real dad. His life was a huge sack of steamy poo. He went on in the Degrassi movie (yes the movie) to drink and drive, get in an accident and messed up Lucy's face. I took a lesson from the pages of Wheels script...don’t be like him because you’ll end up in the slammer with a roommate who touches your hair while you sleep.

There were so many memorable characters, but the one that really has ruined all fun for my daughter in her teenage years will be Stephanie Kaye. This little hussy was the Queen Bee at Degrassi. She was a piece of work, a cock tease and an all around hot mess. Her day started out going to school in normal clothes, hair and no makeup. As soon as she got to her locker out came the clothes, Twisted Sister makeup and teased hair. My favourite episode of her was when she got all whored up and went to a book signing or something like that, of a popular actor. She then agreed to go to his car after she lied about her age where things got too close for comfort for her and she bailed out. “Ah why me?” well girl what did you think, he was going to take you bowling? He was going to show you his balls and pins alright but...well you get the idea.

So thank you Kit Hood (and of course props to my parents too), for helping me make good choices like not doing acid and jumping off a bridge, not drinking and driving and getting preggers as a teenager. But most of all, thank you for giving me the tools to always be one step ahead of my daughter when she gets older. She won’t be pulling any Stephanie Kaye moves on this mama. I’m pretty sure she’ll hate me for a while but that’s cool I’ll let her blame me. Your awesome show will be our little secret.

Classic Canadian programing, you rock my world

So as a child I didn't have cable television which made me behind the times when it came to keeping up with the Jones' (ie. my 9 year old friends). They were discussing what happened on Saved By the Bell while I asked if anyone had seen the latest Beachcombers or Neon Rider episode (I secretly wanted to become a troubled teen so I could go to the ranch on Neon Rider).

It was always a treat to go to one of my friends homes after school to do homework (watch t.v. and rummage through their parents closets). This meant I could see what all the hype was about and honestly, I prefer that good 'ol Canadian programing on my dial television.

Last night I was discussing, with my friends over beer and nachos, the many Canadian gems that were on our televisions, that at the time, we didn't realize were super awesome until we were older. From television series to Canadian Vignettes produced by the National Filmboard of Canada these are some of my favorites.

The Log Driver's Waltz - easily the most memorable Canadian Vignette and the one that stands out the most for me.

The Edison Twins - this beauty had a catchy opening and those Edison Twins were always solving something. Corey Haim was in an episode, before the drama.

You Can't Do That On Television - it had green slime, a gross cook and everything else foul a kid could ask for.

Anne of Green Gables - love Anne, love Mirilla and her cranky attitude and absolutely adored Matthew. Favorite part was when Anne smashed Gilbert over the head with a slate. I took this advice once and did the same to a boy in my grade one class...but I used a math book.

Mr. Dress Up - what Canadian child could ever forget this iconic figure. He was awesome and I love this man like he was my grampy. He could draw, had a ton of costumes in his Tickle Trunk, a kid named Casey and his dog Finnegan who pretty much lived in the tree house outside. Thankfully this was just a show, because if I had a neighbour who had random kids in and out of his house, dressed up in costume a lot and had a kid and dog living in the tree house in his backyard I'm pretty sure I would have called the cops.

Sorry for the crappy video, but all the rest were like 6-10 minutes long.

I'm pretty sure that Ernie Coombs could kick Mr. Rogers ass.

I would love to list more freakin' fantastic Canadian TV shows but my list would go on and on. Here's a link I found that you can look through shows by the decade. I found a few that I had forgot about.

http://www.tvarchive.ca/database/by_decade/

Canadian programing was great as a kid...except on Sundays it sucked, because all that was on was Adrienne Clarkson Presents.

Street corner charities...I dislike you

I love charities, but I have a bone to pick with you ChildFind Canada.

While I think ChildFind is a great organization in that they deal with missing and exploited children I just can't stand their roadside canvassing representatives. It makes me want to flip your stupid skirted table.

Here's what annoys the hell out of me:

• Every time I'm in a rush you always set up shop in front of Perks on Quinpool. Not only am I in a rush, but I'm dragging a slow poke 3 year old along with me. Stop trying to corner me on the sidewalk or someday I'll catch you off guard and bite you?

• The fact that you think I'm going to register my kid (or something to that effect) and give you personal information about me and her on the side of the road. Registered charity or not all I can picture is one of you crawling in my window at night. Basically, you creep me out.

• Your reps that try to make me feel guilty by saying things like "Do you have a few minutes that will benefit your daughter?" Well of course I do douche bag but mama has to get to the NSLC before the college students. It’s a Friday night don't ya know. Haven't they heard of line-ups?

• Lastly their kid luring tactics are awful. When you see me coming with a kid and whip out bubbles, start blowing them and ask her if she wants to blow bubbles too, or blowing up balloons to catch my kid's eye so I'll stop and you can trap me. Not cool. I saw you staring at me from across the street. My vision is 20/20 bitches. I'm not trying to compare you to creepy stranger dangers, but seriously take a look at those actions and then look at what creepy stranger dangers do to attract kids. Call me crazy, but do you really think that you should be doing shit like that considering the place you are representing?

Why don't you just set up an ice cream truck because truthfully, I'm shocked you haven't done this yet.

On second thought I may give you the time of day for an ice cream, but only if you had Buried Treasure.

NOTE: I don't really hate ChildFind Canada, just their reps that I've encountered. It truly is a good organization. For more information on what they do check them out  http://www.childfind.ca/ . 

Sharing common "interests" doesn't mean you'd want to share a bottle of wine with someone

Thank goodness we're only computer neighbours

So being new to this whole blogging scene, I decided to get to know some of you. Basically, I creeped some of your interests that you and I share. If you haven't done this its quite interesting.


For instance I like cheese and therefore put it as one of my interests. I wouldn't really say I'm interested in cheese to the point that I have pictures of it up on my walls or Google it on a regular basis, but I like to eat it. Apparently a lot of other people enjoy cheese too, like 15,900 of you.
A man in Bolivia who likes cheese also enjoys fairy dust and hooks. Hooks. Hooks? Well they are useful, so I like them too. I can imagine the deep conversations we'd have.
Another lady who has interests in cheese also is interested in baby wearing and breastfeeding. I didn't know what baby wearing was until I Googled it and its not wearing babies as a hat like I was hoping. Its carrying the child in one of those cool slings. I had a baby, why didn't I know this?

Next up is a guy from Pennsylvania. His interests include but are not limited to, cheese (me too), castles, wine, stopping homosexual marriage, Italian pasta...wait..what the...did he say castles? I love castles. In all honesty this guy was crazy. His interests list was a mile long and also included hunting, trapping, protesting abortion (are you serious?) and get this...french bread. Wow this guy has a very busy life. With all these "interests" I have no idea how he'll fit in his rosary bead making (I shit you not, that's what it said).

Lastly, there is a blogger in Virgina. Be still my heart, because I think I found my soul mate (sorry hubby). She likes or is "interested" in basically everything I am. I was just too lazy to list more than 5 or 6 things.


So I suppose it's good to get to know your neighbours, except for one particular person on my list, as I am not so "interested". Seriously, who likes wearing babies?